Linda turned me on to the app, Snapseed, and I’ve been having fun playing with it. Sometimes, I am the only subject around to shoot. Taking pictures of yourself in the car is one of the grossest things to do but here I am doing it. Let’s stop judging ourselves and give ourselves permission to be narcissistic if for the sake of play – permission to talk too much if we are overly polite - permission to look bad and dorky, foolish, sentimental, obnoxious, loud, outrageous and funny.
Debbie and I playing at sunset
My cat, Cleo, is in heaven in Flagstaff during the summer.
Even though my yoga teacher trianing starts at 8am, Debbie makes sure to wake me for a run out at Ft. Tuthill. Glad my iphone could capture the insanity.
At a very early period, I feared instinctively the dual life – the outward existence that conforms, the inward life which questions. Lately, I have found myself face to face with this problem again. Stuck in this false dilemma, I see both lives as problematic, belonging to neither. Ann, who has known me for some time now, told me today that I tend to go through this phase and that it always passes.(It’s funny how I forget) She did add, however, ”No need to make any decisions right now.” Ha!
Transformation is not comfortable. My friend, Larisa, is beautifully self-expressive, willing to take chances to be herself in a very big way. I connect with her so much because she is naturally an introvert like I am. A common misconception is that an introvert doesn’t like to be around people. An introvert is simply a person who recharges alone rather than by being with people. Larisa has learned how to be the exuberant artist she is regardless of the fact that she is super sensitive. She made the transition to walk through her fears, recognizing that her art and energy are gifts to give to the world. She always tells me that the only way she can be so outgoing in the world is because she recharges by going inward, into meditation, yoga, etc. While at Shakti Fest with her, I realized that all I needed to do was ask for help in connecting with her, we breathed together, and in doing that, I gave myself permission to let go. After connecting, I had the greatest time because I could let go of false beliefs of how we all should act. I suffer when I don’t let go of the people closest to me. Everyone has their own path and though it is heartbreaking to lose people, I can not be free until I let go of all my attachments. Like Demeter, whose heart breaks every year when she loses her daughter, Persephone, to the underworld, my heart breaks too. Even though I love deeply, my journey is to go inward, to take care of myself, rather than project my pain onto other people as Demeter did when she only let crops grow in the summer when Persephone was by her side. I give you, Goddess of the Harvest, the things most precious to me in the world so that I may be free – my Mom, Dad, Liz, Katie, Grandma, Linda, Ann, Melissa, Debbie, Larisa – everyone. I give you my car, my house, my job, my reputation and my youth too.
Every school should have buses and snack shops like this…
Lead singer of Shakti Tribe herself! So happy I could spend some time with Larisa today. I love her huge heart and full on self-expression. She insprires me all the time to become more fearless.
On my way home, I just had to…
Took three 2 hour yoga classes and learned so much. Sara Ivanhoe and Kia Miller were impressive teachers. I am going to sleep well tonight.
“The artist must possess the courageous soul that dares and defies” (Chopin).
What is it today that is daring – that defies societal convention? More and more I find that living poetically is not about reacting to any societal convention or authority figure, but staying awake and present in the day and ignoring the fearful thoughts that arise. My great-grandmother would say those thoughts are the devil – and say, “Ave Maria Policima”. (Mary, protect me from the devil.)
I understand the ramifications of negative thoughts more than I do the power and idea of the devil. Symbolically, though, I can see how Jesus facing the devil in the desert is similar to what I must do in my mind if I want to live a peaceful life, free of worry and anxiety, free of self-sabotage, and, ultimately, free to love. Disciplining my mind is being aware of the thoughts that do not serve me immediately and saying to them, as Jesus said to the devil, ”Get thee behind me”. ”Little” ideas telling me that someone is going to die, or that so and so do not like me, etc. arise surprisingly often, but I don’t have to let them run the show any longer. Try it – say “Get thee behind me” to any self-defeating thought that arises right away. The pathway to intuition and art seems to open up.
Near Scissor’s Crossing – iphone
A Mantra is there to help, guide, comfort, love, strengthen and focus. The sanskrit words make sound vibrations that affect certain energy centers of our bodies. The sound, Ah, for instance, is the heart sound and opens up the heart. If my heart is open, I feel more connected and in my power. I started mantra a year and a half ago in Idyllwild with Larisa. Ever since then, I have consistently found comfort in certain mantras. Most recently, on my backpack, before triathlons and whenever I need extra courage, I chant Om Krim Kali Kaye Namaha. More regularly,on a daily basis for a year, I have chanted Om Mani Padme Om. This mantra opens up the heart and specifically transforms poisons into power. It cleanses and balances – no wonder I have been in love with this mantra for so long.
I decided to experiment with a new mantra (rather Larisa suggested a new one). The mantra is of Visnu (also known as Narayana). It’s chanted to invoke the all pervading power of mercy, goodness and grace. Repetition of this mantra confers infinite love, prosperity, power, glory, wisdom, and total liberation. It gives the ability to dissolve obstacles resulting from egoism and ignorance. It is a mantra of peace, bringing balance to an off-centered world ( Sivananda Yoga Teachers’ Training Manual).
What I like is the part about liberation from ego. This mantra is a quick way to connect to the “Big I” in an active, very doable way. Specific direction when it pertains to disciplining the mind is always helpful.
This weekend is Shakti Fest in Joshua Tree, which includes lots and lots of bhakti yoga - performances, chanting, yoga and meditation. Larisa Stow and Shakti Tribe play Friday night at 11 pm. Camping, stars and the best teachers in the world show up down the street very soon:).
I’m excited to take pictures, especially after looking at this pic by James Kaiser.
Went outside to play this afternoon and be in my two feet. When I was a kid, I loved to play outside in my neighborhood. I always had friend who I “just had” to play with. We would make forts, ride bikes, go on adventures, make up skits and dances, roller skate and skateboard, and play hide and go seek in the dark. In thinking about what would bring me the most joy today, I looked to what made me happy as a kid and decided to shoot pictures in my neighborhood. Taking pictures and being in pictures satisfies my need for adventure, creativity and play. Having a camera drew two neighbors to me. Both were artists and gave me tips on things to see on my street. It was fun to be a kid again!
Middle school play
When I went away to college, self-discovery excited me while the unknown frightened. Finding yoga grounded me and gave me a safe haven of discipline, ritual, silence and breath. I wonder how much better off my students will be since they get meditation and yoga in school at an even younger age.
The middle school play discussed how life can be lonely, sad, thrilling and painful. I have seen many souls perish by the seduction of escaping from life. A seeming indescribable oppression takes hold and the mind knows not how to register. To engage in life takes commitment and belief. We can escape, in a life affirming manner, the prison our mind creates, confining us to proper roles and identities - who we think we are or should be. That is why reading and imagination are so fundamental to freedom -to creating new dreams when the old paradigms no longer work.
Whereas the author, Kate Chopin, was seduced by the sea, the voice of the mountain never ceases, whispering, lurring, inviting my soul to wander in solitude, to lose itself with birds, flowers and trees, breathing in and breathing out, in inward contemplation as my eyes feast on beauty.
I miss my daily walks through the woods in Flagstaff.
Tonight, I went to see the Middle School play at my school called the SS Metanoia. Linda and Ray met me at the play as they live across the street from where I teach. The singing and the acting were uplifting and the plot was quite existential. Much like a parent, I noticed a feeling of pride overcome me as I watched my students project and sing on stage. The teacher-student bond is special, especially during these shining moments.
